Saturday, September 12, 2009

The view this morning

Nice. Today is QuitoFest (free music in a huge park) and the weather is perfect. Last night I met the new center volunteers (though I already knew three of them from LMU) and had a loud and loving reunion with the three volunteers from last year who are staying at the center again this year.

Meeting the new volunteers has confirmed that time has moved on, and though I loved being at the CMT I was almost too close to it to realize what was happening. By the time the year was up I had to pinch myself...wait, did that really just happen? Did I really do this? And now that I see the new volunteers one thing has become clear: that everything stood still for 11 months while I put aside the things that I thought made me Marian. I became an alternate version of myself, resembling me but removed from all those clues that would have previously reminded me, "oh yes, that is what Marian would do. She's still here." Now I feel almost as if I disappeared for a year only to find that time didn't wait for me to get back. Does that make sense? Don't worry, this is not an existential crisis. I'm just trying to share with you what goes on in my head as I prepare myself to participate in this new life.

And the new life looks like this. I live in an apartment with roommates and I cook dinner and do dishes, take the bus to and from work, I am alone sometimes, I go out to see friends and my bosses expect things of me (gasp!) just like any normal person. The truth is that this doesn't look much different from how my life has been in recent years. What's missing are my CMT kids. I don't want you to think I'm sad or that I regret not staying at the CMT. There were a lot of reasons not to stay there, but I miss my kids. I'm excited to try this new life as a teacher at a university, a certified this or that--I'm looking forward to it but it will not be the same. So I'll just have to get used to this and remain happy, thankful, engaged in the day to dayness of things.

Wow, that was a lot of thinking for a picture of the view from my apartment. Now it's time for another cup of coffee before I get ready for free music in the park. Much love,



Anonymous said...

What a gorgeous view! I wish I was there with you, although I'm not sure where I would stand. You could hang me on the back of the bedroom door...
I'm missing you much already and love hearing your inner thoughts; please keep them coming!
Love, Katie

'awaken' said...

What an amazing new life.

So stoked for you.